Journal

SRS: The Fear

As we get closer to June, I get closer to my SRS assessment appointment, I’m not sure if it’s the first of two recommendations needed or the second, either way it’s a bit daunting.

It’s a strange feeling being excited but petrified at the same time, I know this operation is a means to an end and it’s something I know needs to happen, but the thought of the recovery and aftercare scares me more than anything else in this entire world, to the point it is now clouding my mind about a decision I’d made and was happy with a long time ago.

During my previous appointment at the gender clinic I was asked if I’d watched any videos, or done any research about SRS. I was honest and told them I couldn’t stomach watching videos of the operation being performed, but I’d done and still do a lot of research into what happens during and after the operation. The clinic suggested I watch a cartoon version of the operation, which I tried when I got back home and still couldn’t stomach it.

I want nothing more than this operation to happen and for everything to go as smoothly as possible, but every time I think about those first 12 months after waking up once it’s done, it brings me to tears and brings on the worst of anxiety attacks.

I’ve already decided to tell the clinic a much more in depth version of the above, I can make it clear that I want this to happen, but I do think I could do with a little bit of assistance coming to terms with and understand more about the aftercare side of things.

Right now I haven’t really spoke about surgery with anybody at the clinic, aside from briefly at my most recent, but that’s what the next few appointments at the clinic will be for so I’m sure my mind will be eased much more after them.

Being scared of something this huge isn’t unnatural so I have no doubts about the clinic understanding my concerns, I just hope my concerns aren’t likely to cause any problems, I really do need this to happen.

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