Journal

Repeating a Process

I don’t quite understand my own logic or concerns at the moment. There’s so many items of clothing and pairs of shoes that I still won’t wear outside of my house, yet I don’t actually own any male clothes or shoes and haven’t for almost three years, so there’s not been a single day in just as long that I haven’t been outside, comfortably wearing something I seem to be so afraid of at the exact same time.

The best way to explain my concern and (lack of) logic is by saying there’s a line in my wardrobe, one side of the line has a label which reads “Feminine, with a neutral touch” and the other line reads “Feminine with a feminine touch” – crossing THAT line is causing much more of an issue that it should be. I don’t buy things because I want to spend my life looking at them, I buy things so I can enjoy them, look good and feel good.

It’s strange though really, when I first came out as transgender I took quite an abrupt route forward with clothing.. Within the space of 4 weeks I came out, bought new clothes, cut my old clothes up with scissors in a happy rage and went full time at Pride, since then I haven’t owned or worn male clothes at all. I’m causing an issue where there’s not really an issue.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s certainly a huge difference between a pair of super skinny jeans and a dress, there’s also a huge difference between a pair of black ankle boots and a pair of ballet flats with a bow on the front, so there’s at least a tiny bit of logic within this mountain I seem to have created. I will knock it down though eventually, like I have done with every other obstacle so far.

Make up was and is still a much different process. When I first went full time I pretty much tried to jump straight in at the deep end, which didn’t work well for me or my confidence.

Instead I took a different approach by taking it in steps, at first I’d wear my mascara outside then I’d add a bit of eyeliner, then foundation, then something else until I’d land at a full face of make up. I’d built up confidence over a short period of time and ended up in a perfect place for it.

The problem with the confidence I build up is that it can be knocked straight back down again, a negative comment in the street for example, depending on the comment or reaction, can knock me from 10/10 on the confidence scale, right the way down to a 1/10. Each time that happens, it’s like I need to start my make up process all over again. Thankfully I have never felt the need to go out and buy male clothes when it happens, it does just seem to knock my confidence with wearing make up.

Over time I’m slowly caring much less about the negative opinions of complete strangers on the street, I’m very much aware that it’s not those opinions that matter, but I don’t think I’d be human if I didn’t feel at least a little bit shitty after somebody has taken time out of their day to be toxic to somebody who’s doing nothing other than getting on with their life.

My aim for this year is to overcome some of these hurdles I’ve placed down for myself, move more into my comfort zone and carry on pushing towards living my life the way I want to be living it. So much has already happened and there’s still so much more to come, I can’t and won’t keep letting toxic people destroy all of my progress.

This post is pretty much just a rant, so I’m not sure how much of it will make sense and how much of it will seem like word vomit, but I feel better for getting this off my chest so my mission here is accomplished.

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3 thoughts on “Repeating a Process

  1. Your absolutely gorgeous Jaylyn such a talented lady with ur music and you do what you want wear what you want screw those who don’t appreciate you as you and concentrate on those who do anything you wanna chat about or anything else I’ll be here for you

    Liked by 1 person

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