I’ve probably tried writing something here at least 5 or 6 times already since my last post, but due to being in a bad place both physically and emotionally, finding words hasn’t been ever so easy.
Within the space of two weeks I have been asked which gender I am twice. I have listened to a ‘professional’ motorcycle instructor tell me how little she thinks of people like me, and have had the way I dress pointed out abruptly in a negative way, followed by negative comments.
My health has sucked, I’ve had an infection in my mouth which caused my face to swell up. It literally gave me a big ol’ nasty black and and left me unable to do the shaving thing. That thing quite literally burst yesterday though so hopefully it’ll stay down so I can start looking less disgusting.
I’ve missed quite a few days in college due to health related crap, I’ve been told to start going in for extra days or I may not get through this course – which puts all of my ambition for real progression on hold. I’ll manage it though hopefully.
All in all, I’d started to lose my motivation for and have doubts about everything including my transition. It’s not that I doubt my feelings, nor do I doubt that I’ve chosen the best possible route forward for me, which is transitioning. I’ve been doubting how strong I am.
I know I’m tougher than this though, I need to keep taking the confusion strangers feel in regards to my gender as a good sign, it means I’m moving forward. It means I’m no longer seen as a feminine male, I’m pushing closer to looking how I feel and know I should and that can’t be bad.
Positive news though, there’s only 15 days until I’m back in London for GIC apt #2 – this makes me really happy, fingers crossed I get recommendation #2 for HRT and can get started straight away. If not, I’ll be looking at my other options.
Another 6 months wait between appointments is gonna do me more harm than good.