Today has without a doubt been one of the longest days I have had in a very long time.
To kick things off, I wasn’t able to sleep because of being anxious about the day ahead, this is because I had already decided this had to be the day I started making more effort with my make up in my home town, like I do when I’m going out of town. Although I’ve still been wearing make up and haven’t dressed in male clothes in over year, I’ve still been feeling very restricted in my home town so I’ve kept things toned down.
So, I painted my face as pretty as I could and made my hair look as nice as I could and then sat worrying about what others might think – which I thought I was past. It’s crazy how the place I’ve spent my entire life is the place that scares me the most, especially when people around here that know me are aware that I’m trans!
Whatever though, my amazing friend picked me up shortly after and took us both into college, which is where everything started to crumble!
I was feeling great about how I looked but so concerned about what other people might think of the heavier, more feminine make up and my hair down looking all pretty. This drilled at me for about 25 minutes until I decided I wanted to go home, I was tired and my nerves were getting the better of me.. I did not want to be there.
Just before I left, my tutor came down the stairs and told me I looked fine, shouldn’t be concerned and should speak to the head of dpt before leaving, so I did. We had a chat in a closed room and I was reassured that I have the support of the college and my tutors, I was told not to be worried and a VERY good point was made.. She said “If you didn’t take this step today, you’d have been left with it for another day and it wouldn’t have been any different”, in a nut shell.
She’s right too, taking this step on a different day wouldn’t have made me feel any less nervous and now it’s done, I feel pretty good about it. I’m not proud of how I wasn’t able to handle the initial pressure and almost walked away from it though, that doesn’t feel good at all.
Anyway, this post is already pretty long so I’m gonna cut the rest of the story short.. I did go into class, I didn’t get negative looks or reactions and I was fine within minutes of being in with our group. I then finished college later in the afternoon and proceeded to walk around my home town still looking and feeling a lot more like I should.
All in all, today has been productive and I’m happy that this fear of the place I was born and raised is finally becoming less of a problem. 👌